It was a stary night around 8.00pm in London on Tuesday I was on a lilly pad sleeping.All of sudden I started floating it was so amazing.I went past a small house and waved to the person inside.It was really cold I bumped into a white sheet.It got women. It was so cool.I went to a purple house and got the remote and changed the channel with my tounge.
There were lost of frogs in the house an a old women was sleeping on her chair we
exited the house and went past big Ben then I went to the city and started to fall. I dived in to
the swamp and it was all over.Detectives stared to be nosey and hunted as down.
Next Tuesday around 7.58am pig started to fly lucky them.
This is my draft piece of writing. Can you make a comment and let me know what I did well and what I can improve on?
There were lost of frogs in the house an a old women was sleeping on her chair we
exited the house and went past big Ben then I went to the city and started to fall. I dived in to
the swamp and it was all over.Detectives stared to be nosey and hunted as down.
Next Tuesday around 7.58am pig started to fly lucky them.
This is my draft piece of writing. Can you make a comment and let me know what I did well and what I can improve on?
Hi Toby
ReplyDeleteI like the beginning to your narrative where you set the scene. I am able to make a picture in my mind of a stary night and also pictures of the person waving to you.How can you rephrase the first sentence so it flows a little bit better?
Alos can you please proof-read carefully. You may need to chnage some of your spelling.
Make these changes in another colour.
Mrs Natusch
Thanks for checking the word "sheet' for me. Are there any others words you need to check? Read your story carefully and see what other words need changing.
ReplyDeleteMrs N
To Mrs Natusch
ReplyDeleteI'll cheak the words of my writing.
Is there eany thing I need to work on.
Toby