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Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Slide


It was 7:30 in the morning and it was a school day today and we were going on a school trip to bo-bo land so I went to school and bo-bo land was so cool I had to go on one more thing and it was the terror slide of doom it looked so big and it looked like a tunnel so I went down it and it shot me too fast it made me go back in time to the point that he was going down the slide so he didn't and went home.That slide was so slippery.

                                                                The End
This is a draft piece of writing. comment on what I can do better.
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6 comments:

  1. Mrs NatuschAugust 26, 2012 at 7:44 PM

    To Toby

    A great way to start your story by writing the time of day and where the boy was going. Well done!
    How interesting that the boy went back in time when he went down the slide! How many times did he go on the slide before he went home?
    How do you spell "peace" in this sentence? "This is a draft peace of writing"
    Can you find the correct spelling and also add in a simile and a metaphor for me.

    Mrs Natusch

    ReplyDelete
  2. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 30, 2012 at 9:38 AM

    To Toby

    I like you the way said the slide was so slippery.
    Next time you could put some speech marks.
    from Christian

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 30, 2012 at 9:52 AM

      To Christian
      Thank you for your feedback and feedforward.
      I will add more speech marks in right now.
      From Toby

      Delete
  3. Powerful Learners in Room 7!August 30, 2012 at 7:05 PM

    To Toby

    Great post.
    What did the slide look like inside?

    From Katherine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Powerful Learners in Room 7!September 3, 2012 at 9:34 AM

      To Katherine
      Thank you for your comment.
      The slide looked like a tunnel.
      From Toby :p

      Delete
  4. Powerful Learners in Room 7!September 3, 2012 at 9:53 AM

    Hi Toby
    You have done really well replying your comments. Next time you could use speech marks and show when your characters are speaking in your writing.
    Mrs Natusch

    ReplyDelete

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